Saturday Night Stories #23

You: Thanks again for dropping me at home.
Friend: Not a problem, it's out of my way, but I went through your wallet when you passed out earlier, so you're effectively paying for the lift.
You: Jesus, I murdered those shooters tonight. I'm so hammered I think I'm actually wearing someone else's shoes. When did this happen?
Friend: Oh, that was also earlier on when we found you lying on the floor. You didn't move for a while. We actually thought you were dead at one stage because you didn't seem to be breathing.
You: No that's fine, it's just a weird medical condition I have. It used to freak the shit out of my parents when I was a baby.
Friend: I can see why. You were clinically dead for about 12 minutes.
You: Ja, it happens. Anyways, I actually wanted to speak to you tonight though.
Friend: Oh?
You: Ja, listen - I know you have a thing for Michelle, but I don't really dig her vibe.
Friend: Well I-
You: Just let me finish. Look, I'm sure she's a nice girl, but I think she's a bit below you to be honest. She's got this desperate vibe about her, I can't really explain it, but whenever I'm in her company that's the vibe I always pick up - "desperate".
Friend: Okay but-
You: Also, I don't know if you've noticed this, but she kind of smells like car freshener, like those little trees that you hang in the front? It's like a musky plastic - which is awesome for cars, but doesn't go down so well for women, you know what I mean? Anyway, I think you can do so much better than Michelle.

[silence]

Michelle: So you just take a right at the robots and then I'm in the next road to your left.

[AWKWARD silence]

Moral of the story - if you're going to bad mouth someone, always check that they're not in the backseat behind you at the time.



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