The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Lazy People

Many people ask me how it is that I'm always so calm, so laid back, why I'm never really stressed out.

Am I a student of yoga? Do I smoke copious amounts of weed? No. The truth is I'm just lazy. It's an art that I've learnt to master over the years and today I thought I'd share some of my tips with you, as it's Friday and I don't feel like writing about anything else. (Irony?)

Forget all that shit about "7 Habits of Highly Effective People / Teens / Blah Blah Blah".

That's all a bunch of airy fairy psycho babble written by people who want your money. My tips are brilliant, practical and free - and they work phenomenally well.

#1: Perspiration is for pussies.
This is a rule I strictly adhere to. Contrary to what many people say, sweating is extremely bad for you. I try to avoid this as much as possible. Whenever I feel a sweat coming on, I immediately stop what I'm doing, stumble over to the couch and plop down to read a lifestyle magazine instead. No one has ever died from reading a lifestyle magazine. People have died from sweating though, and I've never really been that keen on dying. Avoid.

#2: Hear No Evil.
People tend to have an annoying habit of asking you to do things, from drying the dishes to giving a sensual back rub. To avoid this, simply pretend you cannot hear them. They will get pretty angry at first, and may even shout and scream at you. It's important that you don't waver though, and continue to ignore them. Eventually they will give up and will never ask you to do anything ever again. You're welcome.

#3: Narcolepsy. A Gift From The Gods.
Relating to Point 2, some people are surprisingly resilient, and may not be too phased by you pretending not to hear them. A popular tactic of theirs would be to jump in front of you, ensuring you cannot ignore them, or they may even physically grab hold of you. "Listen to me when I'm speaking to you," they may say, as they shake you continuously in an aggressive manner.  If this happens, it's important that you DO NOT panic and do anything silly, like agreeing to do what they ask. The trick here then, is to simply go limp and collapse on the ground. This will confuse them initially and you may find that they start shouting again (see previous point). Again, stay calm, play the possum, and DO NOT move from the ground. Don't forget to breathe though, you're not dead - you've just fallen asleep. Eventually they will leave and you will find that they will also never ask you to do anything again.

#4: Never Commit To Anything
One of the biggest mistakes someone can make is when they commit to something. "I will have it ready by lunchtime" or "Sure, will see you on Friday night then". By doing this, you are effectively digging a hole for yourself, as you have now created a level of expectation. This can't be stressed enough - do NOT create a level of expectation. Do NOT commit to anything, always be as vague as possible. ie: "Yeah, I will probably have to look into that." or "Thanks for the night, we should probably do this again sometime."

#5: Mediocrity Has It's Perks
I don't know why everyone looks down on mediocre work. Mediocrity is amazing, you should thrive on it. Whenever you have to do something for someone, do your best to do the shittiest job imaginable, which ensures that you will never get asked to do something again.

#6: A Personal Assistant
This is a vital component in a life of laziness. "An assistant? Mmmm, that sounds expensive" I hear you complaining. Not at all. My assistant is a guy from Zimbabwe, Ignacious, who I found rummaging through my rubbish one morning. For about 10 million Zimbabwean dollars a day (+ - two South African rarnt), plus a tot of whiskey, Ignacious is an enthusiastic employee who carries out all my menial daily tasks (shaving, combing my hair, etc) Sometimes when I don't feel like walking I even let him carry me around. He's great for parties as well and if you toss him a few pennies, he'll bring around some associates and dance in the street for you, letting you and your friends enjoy his antics.

There you go. There was only six steps but coming up with 7 would have been too much of an effort on my part. Besides, my forehead was starting to feel moist so I decided to stop. I hoped I helped some of you today, although in all honesty, I don't really care either way.

Now leave me alone, I'm busy reading a lifestyle magazine.



[ | ]

Did you enjoy this post? Of course you did! Now join my growing army of subscribers and get free updates in your Inbox whenever I write something breathtakingly new. Become cool by association and get ShaunOakes.com in your Inbox.